Sometimes I'm Grouchy

Every now and then I find it difficult to deal with humanity.

Usually this occurs when I have gotten less than 9 hours of sleep. Which, actually, is always. Less than 7 hours, though, and my tolerance for anything remotely bad disappears faster than alcohol from a frat party.

So the other morning I woke up at my usual ungodly hour for practice. When that was over I had a yoga class, which I take because it's conveniently in the same room.

On this particular morning I was in a grouchy mood for no particular reason. After practice was over I got out my mat and lay down. I immediately closed my eyes hoping to fall asleep for the ten minutes before everyone else in the class arrived.

I always try this. It never actually works, but I dream big.

Eventually the instructor calls the class together and asks everyone to sit. This message always seems to be announced right when I actually slip into deep sleep.

On this morning, everything seemed as usual until I opened my eyes a few minutes into sitting.

Someone sat in front of me. Uncomfortably close to me. I put my mat down way before anyone else in the class even arrived. WHY WAS THIS GIRL SO CLOSE TO ME?

I was already too tall for my mat. In several poses I end up with half my body on the floor and half on the mat. With this chick in front of me I would not be able to take the class. I would have to move myself and this mat.

SHE WAS FORCING ME TO MOVE WHEN I WAS THERE FIRST.

I began to feel the irrational anger building up inside of me.

I HATED HER.

I WAS GOING TO EAT HER!

Then I sprang to my feet and grabbed her with my velociraptor claws and bit off her head with my velociraptor jaws.

Only my lack of ability to turn into a velociraptor prevented this from occurring.

In reality I just sulked and moved my mat a minute later.

I was still angry though.

I considering following her and attacking at a later point.

But instead I bought a day old muffin for a dollar. Miraculously, I felt much better and less violent after that!

Food inevitably calms my inner velociraptor.

10 Things I'd Rather Do than Physics

1. Go skydiving. I've always wanted to do this, but then I remember I have no money and would probably be so terrified I'd forget to let out the parachute and then I'd wet myself and die.

2. Go scuba diving in a cave full of man eating sharks.

3. Be vegan for a week. This would be pure torture, because 90% of my protein intake comes from ice cream and milk.

4. Run out of underwear and not have time to do laundry for a week. I could do this. Frequent showers and lots of leggings/workout clothes

5. 1 hour of weeding. No longer though.

6. Stay up all night at a concert and then take a red eye with 2 lay-overs  to New England and not sleep on the plane and then move into a new place of residence.

7. All my other homework and reading for the next month.

8. Run around the block naked.

9. Run around the block multiple times clothed. This is a big one considering the most I've run in the last four years was 3/4ths of a mile.

10. Raise a goat from kid to 4 years old and live on a farm with out speaking to any other human being until I can teach my goat basic calculus.


So this is probably why I've dropped physics.... Twice. 

How I Will Make Money To Pay Off My Massive Student Loans

So, I am massively in debt. Already. At a ripe young age.

You see, I felt like getting a head start on all you old farts.

Also I went to a redonkulously expensive private university on the east coast. Ooops.









Anyways, as I see it there are only a few options for me to pay off all my loans:

1. Become a stripper. I am not really sure how much strippers make, but I hope its more than babysitting. There is only one problem with this that I can see. I have no ability to dance without looking like I am wrestling a bear underwater while wearing princess themed floaties.

2. Win the lottery. This is unlikely to happen as I don't really understand the lottery. There are different kinds I think? Perhaps? Maybe?

3. Donate my eggs to people who desperately want to be pregnant. I don't really get why these people don't just adopt. I for one would gladly skip out on the whole pregnancy part of getting a baby. My mother is a labor & delivery nurse and the stories she brings home are R rated for gore and crudeness. Also I hear you poop. So... I'll pass thank you very much. BUT if you want to pay me for some eggs, sure why not. Its not like the world population is unsustainable or anything...

4. Blog. Good luck to me on that one. I'm 87.46239900002329352359999999299% sure I am the only one who finds me funny.

5. Win fencing tournaments that give out money as prizes. I think there are maybe 20 of these a year with about $100.00 prizes. That's $2,000.00 I could make. BUT I would have to win and my lack of coordination gets in the way of that when I fall flat on my face/ass during a bout.

6. Write a #1 song. I'd probably have to learn cords, or notes, or whatever those things are that you play to make music. hmmmm,,,,

7. Raise chickens and sell their eggs. I would need a backyard to do this. I don't have one. And probably some chickens to get started. Or does the egg come first?

8. Mug people. I need to get a gun. Perhaps that weird guy who lives near the T and shouts odd things at me when I walk by has one. I should go ask. Maybe tomorrow night. I am free around 9. People will just loan you guns for an hour or two right? He'll be friendlier if I knock on his door and ask to borrow a gun right?

9. Beg on the streets every afternoon. This might work if it weren't so fucking cold here. I could probably do it in Berkeley. Why does Boston have to ruin ev-er-y-thing with its inability to be habitable in the winter?!

10. I can't even think of a 10th option.


It looks highly unlikely that I will ever pay off these loans. I will probably die sad and alone, frozen to death on the Charles River bank, desperate for some California sun. Any suggestions on how to avoid this?

And Then the Dreaded Doom Sets In....

So when it's time for me to take my pill and vitamins at night and I see this:

I begin to panic. IT'S COMING. The world is going to end! My freedom will be gone, my hopes and dreams destroyed.

Weird things begin to happen to me.

I'll be checking things out at the grocery store and everything will be normal.

I'll be waiting patiently for the absurdly slow high school aged checker to finish scanning my single microwaveable meal. And then:

I'll feel a twinge...

And then the twinge will turn into pain.

I try not to make any noise. No one will notice if I use face contortions as an outlet for the immense ache coming from my abdomen. I'll be totally fine in a minute. I got this. No big deal.

That's when it gets worse.

This is usually when the 17 year old checker notices something is off. He usually assumes I'm about to puke on his floor, which sends him into a panic.

However, I am just doubled over in pain. This never lasts more than a few seconds, just long enough for him to get a few words of protest out.

A moment passes and the knives ripping at my uterine lining cease their vicious slicing. I stand up and pretend everything is fine.

I usually try to pass off my episode as something else. Like being super interested in the pattern on the floor tiles:

They usually at least pretend to believe this and I pretend to be a floor tile salesman. This creates a conversation about selling floor tiles. I make up names for floor materials: sushatapp, donahwalome, greysagoochoise, etc. As soon as this subject is exhausted I run from the store.


My pain for the moment is over, but then I remember: IT'S COMING.